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Less is More

When I am feeling depressed I sometimes go and get a haircut. It makes me look a little different and makes me look a little younger and so makes me feel a bit happier as well. The past week had been particularly tough; I had been stood up and stamped down. I was feeling particularly vulnerable and I felt like a haircut.

I have been going to the same hairdresser for years. Rocky is a young savage looking Lebanese man with a vicious short cropped hairstyle, steroid-pumped muscles that bulge under his tight white t-shirt, sinister tattoos on his thick, dark neck and a voice as soft and delicate as a 4-year-old girl.

“How would you like me to cut your hair today?” he whispered in his little girl voice.

I slumped down in the chair and stared at myself in the mirror. “You can do what you like.”

Rocky’s eyes widened. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Yes, do what you like. I want to look young and groovy.”

Rocky needed no further encouragement. I sat in the chair for hours and that haircut still holds the record for the longest time I have ever sat in a hair salon.

When rocky was finished I sat in the chair and stared at my new young and groovy self. Rocky stood beside me with his hand on my shoulder. He was so proud; tears began to well up in his eyes.

“That is beautiful! Now, you look young and you also look groovy.”

I paid Rocky two hundred dollars and walked out of the salon. I was still depressed. I still felt stood up and stamped down but now I also had short cropped bleached platinum hair with lightning bolts shaved down both sides of my head. (more…)


Men in High Waisted Jeans

The sophisticated country girl will discover on her trips to the city that geography and the fashion world has carefully separated Australian men into two different categories. Men who live east of The Great Divide in the cities and suburbs wear tight low waisted jeans and men who live in the wide open landscapes west of the Great Divide wear looser fitting high waisted jeans.

Men who wear tight low waisted jeans wear them with sneakers and tight t-shirts. Men in loose low waisted jeans wear them with western boots and faded cotton work shirts tucked in behind belts with large silver buckles.

High waisted jeans become soft and faded over the years because, being in the country, they get very dirty and require frequent washing. Tight, low waisted jeans remain stiff and dark. This is because men in tight, low waisted jeans never wash their jeans. I know this because when I was buying a pair of tight, low waisted jeans recently I was advised by the young and groovy sales assistant not to wash them.

“Really...” I said. (more…)


Warm and Loving

As a little boy growing up in Gatton I remember my father used to stay up after the rest of the family had gone to bed and watch TV by himself. On occasion I would creep out of my bedroom to join him on the couch and fall asleep watching late night TV.

On one such occasion I slunk out of my bedroom, the only light in the house was that from the TV screen, I climbed into the old couch and snuggled up to my father. He was watching “Deliverance”. We made it to the “Duelling Banjos” scene before the creeping menace of the film began to unnerve me. I pressed myself into my father and looked up at him.

“Daddy… you’ll never take me to that place, will you?”

My father gently put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close.

“Davey… we live in Gatton.”

That confused me. To me Gatton was not a desperate backwater inhabited by sinister hillbillies. Gatton was a warm and loving town where lived my warm and loving family who tended their warm and loving potato farms (which grew warm and loving potatoes).

My father, having grown up in the sophisticated metropolis that was Brisbane in the 1960s had a different perspective of my warm and loving home town.

The sophisticated country girl will discover that many men have this same confusing relationship with particular articles of their clothing. It might be a pair jeans or a shirt that her man has grown up with and still loves. Sincerely believing that, like a fine wine, the article of clothing only improves with age. However, in the eyes of the sophisticated country girl, the article of clothing is no more than a squalid rag that is either well out of fashion or was never in fashion and is better placed in the company of a backwater hillbilly than worn by the object of her affections. (more…)

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Don’t Put Up With Indecision

I was having lunch with my friend Cameron Williams the stock broker and we couldn’t decide on the wine; he wanted a white while I wanted a red. We thought we would compromise and ordered a bottle of rose’. Half way through the bottle Cameron put his glass down and declared we should have ordered the white or the red instead of pretending to enjoy this god awful rose’. Rose’ is a wine that doesn’t know what it is and it is ordered by people who can’t make up their minds and don’t know what they want.

I’m not sure why rose’ exists at all. On the occasion you really feel like a glass of rose’ – and I can’t imagine the circumstances you actually would – you can simply make a glass or two yourself. Give your glass of Pinot Gris a splash of Pinot Noir and Hey Presto – Rose.

No, you can’t tell the difference between a homemade rose and the store bought variety. Not after a few glasses at any rate.

I have this same issue with short sleeved shirts. A t-shirt knows what it is – simple and casual. A polo shirt knows what it wants to be – smart and casual. A long sleeved shirt is a real shirt and that is all. A short sleeved shirt – you know the type; a collar, buttons up the front, short sleeves – can’t decide to be a t-shirt or a real shirt. It ends up in nowhere land; too casual to wear to work (unless of course, you happen to be working in Brisbane in 1975) and too awkward to be relaxed. They look as though someone was trying to save money or couldn’t be arsed to finish the job properly.


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