The sophisticated country girl will discover on her trips to the city that geography and the fashion world has carefully separated Australian men into two different categories. Men who live east of The Great Divide in the cities and suburbs wear tight low waisted jeans and men who live in the wide open landscapes west of the Great Divide wear looser fitting high waisted jeans.
Men who wear tight low waisted jeans wear them with sneakers and tight t-shirts. Men in loose low waisted jeans wear them with western boots and faded cotton work shirts tucked in behind belts with large silver buckles.
High waisted jeans become soft and faded over the years because, being in the country, they get very dirty and require frequent washing. Tight, low waisted jeans remain stiff and dark. This is because men in tight, low waisted jeans never wash their jeans. I know this because when I was buying a pair of tight, low waisted jeans recently I was advised by the young and groovy sales assistant not to wash them.
“Really…” I said.
“Yes,” he told me. “All you need to do is sponge off any stains and if your jeans start to smell just put them in the freezer overnight and this will take away any odours. Not washing your jeans preserves the original colour and integrity of the denim.”
No, you wouldn’t want your denim getting corrupted, I thought. “Won’t they freeze my testicles when I put them on?”
The young and groovy sales assistant looked at me but didn’t say anything.
I wondered why freezing expensive denim jeans would remove any offending odours while the same process doesn’t seem to work for anything else on planet earth. If your mangy old dog with saggy teats is smelly but rather than washing her (or better yet; tying her to the fence and putting her under the hose) you put her in the freezer overnight. I suspect, that when she defrosts, she will be even smellier than ever. I’m sure freezing denim jeans to deodorise them only works if you’re only ever going to wear them in the fridge.
There is, however, the possibility that men in tight, low waisted jeans don’t do anything in them to make them smell bad. Men in tight low waisted jeans drive from their stylish air-conditioned homes in their stylish air-conditioned cars to their stylish air-conditioned offices to perform in their stylish air-conditioned jobs. None of this requires the man in tight low waisted jeans to sweat in any way shape or form.
The stains you would find on low waisted jeans would include organic free trade coffee, rose’, saliva from a new breed dog and kale. All of which could very well be sponged off without leaving any residue at all. So it is entirely feasible that a pair of tight low waisted jeans could be sponged off and spend a pointless night in the freezer every now and then to complete a more than adequate cleaning process.
The same cannot be said of high waisted jeans. I once saw a pair covered in cow afterbirth. Go ahead and try to sponge that off (and then put them in the freezer overnight to remove the smell).
However, I was tired of being a man in low waisted jeans. My stylish, air-conditioned office felt like a cage. I stopped caring how organic or which inbred third world tribe were overpaid for their shit coffee. I stopped ordering Rose. I wanted to be a man in high waisted jeans. I wanted the same easy-going style and nature as the men who lived west of The Great Divide so I went online and bought myself a pair of high-waisted cowboy cut jeans, a pair of Western boots and red checked flannelette shirt.
As soon as they arrived I raced to the bedroom, tore open the box and pulled on the jeans and boots and red checked flannelette shirt. I flung open the bedroom door and stood before my wife.
“What do you think honey?”
My wife looked me up and down and went pale. “Are you about to tell me you’re gay!?”
“Then why the fuck are you dressed like The Village People!”
The sophisticated country girl understands that changing her clothes will never change the woman underneath. If you don’t live in a regional area or have a country background, trying to emulate that casual western style makes you worse than awkward; it makes you The Village People.